when...

sometimes you wanted to say something
and nothing comes out...

sometimes you look at the sky and beg
for simple wishes to happen even just once...

sometimes you wanted to stop regretting
and wish that i would learn to regret
my own mistakes...

sometimes you wanted to stop asking
why and go with the flow...

and when you do,

sometimes you just get tired of it.

and when i hold your hands and ask you to let go
you just hold on tighter and tell me
you will try to be alright as if everything was your fault.

i wish i had been brave enough to love you...

Angel

"In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
In the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here."

-Angel, Sarah Mclachlan

It was an awful day and I am beat up.
Funny how things can drain you so much that
you don't just feel physically torn but also
emotionally empty.
I looked at the sky. It's dark, cloudy and not a
single star is visible. Oh, talk about luck!
It'll rain and I am alone.
When I reached home I was soaking wet.
I'll get sick for sure, I said to myself.
Literally making the common office expression
complete-- "sick and tired!"

When I opened the door there you are with
a bath towel in hand and gently placed it on
my shoulders. If I wasn't too grumpy with how
things at work turned out today I would have
said "All that's missing is for you to wear the
green uniform and yellow scarf!"
But with all the exhaustion I just placed my chin
on one of your shoulders as if asking for one big hug.
"You're like a human jello again," you laughingly said
then you motioned me to change my clothes.

When I was finished I found you slouched in the
old black couch watching those silly sad people on
the tube again. I just smiled at seeing how childish
you look when you watch.
I lay on the couch and rested my head on your lap.
You switched off the tv and scratched my shoulder.
"Bad day?" you asked.
"Without you life would be nothing but shit," I said.
You stroked my hair and kissed my head.
I closed my eyes and smiled. I am now in my comfort zone.

Sorry

"I loved you even before the very moment
you saw my face. I loved you even before
you knew who I was and what we meant
to each other.
And even if this moment never came.
I'd still be in love with you from a distance
or in my deepest dreams."

I always tell myself that I don't regret anything in my life.
But it's not true. I have so much things to regret. There
are so much that I shouldn't have done before I met you.
That if so, I could have been worthy and deserving.
Being with you is the best thing that happened in my life.
I don't want to lose you. And yet, when I hold you in my arms
I ache to hold you tighter and ache even more not to do it.
For you are so fragile and I am the thorn you had chosen
to love. I had never felt such emotion in my life.
Quite scared to embrace you and hurt you. But when I did,
I am even more in fear that I had struck your heart and
pulling you away from me, will make you bleed to death.
Somehow I tell myself, I shouldn't have pulled your
attention towards me. I should have been contented with
seeing you smile from a distance. I should have stayed
in this little dark corner and confessed how I adore you to
the cold night breeze.
But now that it's too late, I won't let anyone hurt you...
not even my own self.

Summer Blooms

"I am not perfect, but I'll try to make you smile each day.
I have nothing to offer, but I won't let you feel alone and incomplete.
I may not be able to buy you a ring, but I swear to love you for eternity."

"Close your eyes," I said. But before you complied you gave me that smile
that seems to say "what are you up to, huh?" And I can't blame you.
I had never been romantic, in any ways. For somehow trying to live had
consumed me. I was like the genius type and the only artistic touch I have
in my life is you. Yes, we always clash... black and white, bitter and fun.
And yet we compliment each other. As if the plus and minus are just pieces
in a puzzle that go along together. You complete me, in so many ways.

I held your hand and guided you to the garden where I had been arranging
the checkered cloth and the picnic basket for the past 15 minutes. Making
sure that I included your favorites. When you opened you're eyes, there was
the look I expected but I was hoping you'd never give me. The look of "Is this
for real?-what are you up to?" kind. So I just scratched my head and smiled
quite childishly. At least you were surprised.

We started eating. I always love watching you eat. After all these years, you
still eat like a cat. And I laughed quietly coz I adored that so.
Then we laid our backs on the picnic cloth and watched the blue summer sky.
The clouds are moving and changing shapes, too slow that you'll never notice
that they are indeed changing.
I noticed you twisting some green grass that you've just pulled while your eyes
are set on the sky. That day, I wanted to assume that you might have
love-poisoned me because everything's already perfect and yet I stood up.
Gathered some small flowers, twisted the stems and made a circle out of it.
Crazy, I thought. I had never brought you flowers for it's something that I just
never do. And yet I called your name, and placed the flowers on your head.
You smiled and held my hand. You are beautiful.

Home

"Hold me tight and say you love me.
Let me dream a moment and fly.
The waters can't hold me too long.
Neither could I last in its cold warmth."

Summer of 2005. We lay in the sand while the waves kept
struggling to touch our sun-burned feet.
The sky is slowly changing hue as if giving the signal
that it'll consume the great fireball in just a short while.
This was my first visit to the beach after a very long time.
And in fact, this was different.

Last time, I laid at the seashore and stared blankly at the stars.
Wondering why they seem so happy in that very dark place they
are in. But I guess, that's because they're unaffected by darkness
for they are the complete opposite.
As for me, I am nothing more than anything that is not from the
ocean yet floats alone in its vast world. Just something like
a trash or a plastic bag wandering where it doesn't belong.
And not a single creature wants it for it, like I am, is suffocating.

But now, it's already dark. The stars had peek out from the black sky.
I looked beside me, and there's you. Smiling. Reassuring that I will
be fine, I belong and I have somewhere to go.

Impishly Adorable You

"I could think of a hundred things I hate about you.
But not a single reason why I love you...
And that makes you someone who's very hard to let go."

Yesterday, you were late again.
No matter how early you try to get to our
meeting place I always end up waiting for you.
You must have been window shopping again.
Whew, that's why I don't like meeting at malls coz
it makes you wander and I end up getting bored
waiting.
Finally you showed up, when my face was getting
gloomy and I could hardly smile anymore. And
yet I tried to in order to say "I'm happy to see you."
Then you clung to my arm and said,
"Look, I bought you some doughnuts." Sweet.
I opened the wrapper to get one and there they are.
Cute sugar packed circles coated with chocolates.
One topped with peanuts, the other two coated with
coconuts. Your favorites!
As for me, I don't like it. One thing I have been telling
you during the past 6 years. And also one of the things you
always forget.
And so I ended up watching you eat your favorite
treats you bought for me.
Oh boy, I could just go on and on...

The Wake

"In every day there will always be
a single second of bitterness.
Yes, the world is a mess.
Everything is imperfect.
But I'm okay with you.
And that makes each morning
quite alright."

It's almost 8:00pm, I'm boarded on the bus bound home. Nothing is interesting, this is the same
route I've been taking everyday, for the past 18 months. But one things different... it's lonelier.
Somehow there's a sadness in going home alone, especially when it's pouring outside.
That's right, the great dramatic scenes when the actors stare out at the window, watching the
sky cleanse the earth of all its misery and heartaches.
But tonight, the sky gods are doing it extra. Only the street lights were visible and yet it seems
like they're on but cannot shed light. And I could only see the street when the lightnings strike
all at the same moment. And in the past minutes, the lightning choreography had been doing
just that.
I checked my phone but there's no blinking light there to indicate that I was remembered in even
this very simple way. So I resolved in setting the mp3 player to high volume and making myself
deaf with the songs you picked for me. But it never happened. Instead, I doze off.
It was around 10:00 when I reached home. Tasted the food and hit the sack as if that's what I am
programmed to do. I reached for your pillow beside me and held it tightly as I drown
myself to sleep, hoping that this will make me feel less alone. That's when I found a note
that might have been sleeping there all the while I was at work.
"Night shift today. Sleep tight, everything's gonna be fine. I love you so much."

Prologue

"I am not sure how long it will be, I don't know if this will last...
but if you will pass my lifetime, all I know is that I wanted to feel you."

I was nineteen and it was summer. I was full of doubts and scared and yet
I took chances. And there you are beside me, holding my hand.
For some unknown fact, the nymphs must have played with our fortune that you had to
walk me home. And so we stroll along the poorly lit road with
the sultry breeze touching our faces.
"Look at the stars," you said. And without a word, I did.
Every piece are in their right place, showing off their shimmer
so that the sky had been much darker and the stars even more glittering.
I looked at you and there you are, still holding my hand, looking at the sky...
happy, innocent, contented. I was moved by it that it had left an image in
my mind. As if my thoughts have photographed you at that very second
and kept it in my innermost soul so nothing nor no one can ever touch it.
A memory that will always remain pure and uncorrupted.
It was almost perfect, as if everything had been influenced by the stars--
complete and in the right place.
And in that very moment, I knew... this is right
and you are the one.