he loves me...
i whispered to myself
as he kisses every inch
of his wife's naked skin
that smelled of placenta.
their bodies moving in
pathetic hunger and lust
on a hot humid day in april
while i was alone,
waiting for someone
or something,
to greet me
a happy birthday.
he loves me...
i heard him say
as he strums his guitar
and brags of his music
to the crowd, to his friends
and to the girls he tried to hit on
without my knowing.
then he would set his arm
over my shoulder
keeping in his mind
that i am his,
we are happy,
and everything will last
while i fumble for my purse
and pay for what he had consumed.
he loves me...
in the peak of intoxication
in one of his sexcapades,
as he wildly touches
the long brown curls.
the dark brown skin,
the thick brown lips,
of this girl we once met
at 70's bistro while waiting
for the band to play.
he loves me...
i sadly told myself
as my memory recalls
petals of red roses
floating on the bathroom sink
and leaving my body trembling,
my soul in dreadful agony,
and hearing his words
a year after...
"it's nothing but blood."
he loves me...
while i write the very last word,
read each verse over and over
til it becomes revolting
and emotionally sickening
that i have to erase
the opening lines.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
missed
i had always wanted
to walk beside you.
but when the waters
had touched my feet,
i closed my eyes
and laughed so hard
and it drifted me
away.
you failed again...
like you always had.
to walk beside you.
but when the waters
had touched my feet,
i closed my eyes
and laughed so hard
and it drifted me
away.
you failed again...
like you always had.
letting go
shed a tear for me,
even if in my days
i had left you shattered.
grieve for me
even if you're in doubt
that i had paid my sins enough.
spare me a moment of silence,
for i had loved and failed myself.
write the song you've written in red
and let me take it with me,
either in the dark coldness
or bitter heat.
let every line fade with me
as it did a year ago.
but when time fails
to take away my memories,
think of me when i was nineteen,
when the sky used to be dark
and stars shine in thousands.
when time finally heals you,
scatter me in the sea
where our souls were once sheltered.
confide to the air:
"ashes that once loved me
would no longer hold me back."
even if in my days
i had left you shattered.
grieve for me
even if you're in doubt
that i had paid my sins enough.
spare me a moment of silence,
for i had loved and failed myself.
write the song you've written in red
and let me take it with me,
either in the dark coldness
or bitter heat.
let every line fade with me
as it did a year ago.
but when time fails
to take away my memories,
think of me when i was nineteen,
when the sky used to be dark
and stars shine in thousands.
when time finally heals you,
scatter me in the sea
where our souls were once sheltered.
confide to the air:
"ashes that once loved me
would no longer hold me back."
dip
hold me tight and say you love me,
let me dream a moment and fly.
the water can't hold me too long,
neither could i last in it's cold warmth.
let me dream a moment and fly.
the water can't hold me too long,
neither could i last in it's cold warmth.
too ordinary
i tried to impress
him last night
so i dressed in velvet
to look elegant...
or so i thought.
still,
he looked at me
like i'm in my
old jeans and chucks.
i'll never be
special like them.
him last night
so i dressed in velvet
to look elegant...
or so i thought.
still,
he looked at me
like i'm in my
old jeans and chucks.
i'll never be
special like them.
of charcoals
if only thoughts
were a composition
of small dark lines,
maybe i could trace the space
that grows and leaves us jaded.
if only it was that easy
to wash out greys,
or paint dotted lines
just so it won't be left dull,
white and silent.
if only i could paint,
and if only it could be painted,
i might have saved us
from this maddening blankness.
were a composition
of small dark lines,
maybe i could trace the space
that grows and leaves us jaded.
if only it was that easy
to wash out greys,
or paint dotted lines
just so it won't be left dull,
white and silent.
if only i could paint,
and if only it could be painted,
i might have saved us
from this maddening blankness.
maya
i had always wanted the world
to know that i could be like you
so i tried to equal the person you are
knowing i can be as strong
no matter how fragile i look
or how weak i seem in your eyes.
somehow, it was payback.
but though i had been so much like you
some things would always differ.
like the way you follow me with your eyes
when oftentimes i follow your steps.
i was born a woman
and would always be made
for these girlish tasks
as i was taught from the start.
i know i had gone tired of struggling
but i promise...
you'll cry the way i did.
to know that i could be like you
so i tried to equal the person you are
knowing i can be as strong
no matter how fragile i look
or how weak i seem in your eyes.
somehow, it was payback.
but though i had been so much like you
some things would always differ.
like the way you follow me with your eyes
when oftentimes i follow your steps.
i was born a woman
and would always be made
for these girlish tasks
as i was taught from the start.
i know i had gone tired of struggling
but i promise...
you'll cry the way i did.
unsung
take me in your dreams,
like every night i try to
catch you in my sleep.
take me with you
even just for a while
so i can hold you in my arms
and kiss your soft curls.
let me run my hands on your face,
memorize every contour of it,
my sweet angel.
so that each time i close my eyes
i would find you.
hold my hand dear
and let me tell you...
you are love, life and mine.
just one single moment
to be what was taken away
by chance,
a moment to sing you
a lullaby.
like every night i try to
catch you in my sleep.
take me with you
even just for a while
so i can hold you in my arms
and kiss your soft curls.
let me run my hands on your face,
memorize every contour of it,
my sweet angel.
so that each time i close my eyes
i would find you.
hold my hand dear
and let me tell you...
you are love, life and mine.
just one single moment
to be what was taken away
by chance,
a moment to sing you
a lullaby.
eves
don't show me your tears
and the fears that had fallen with it...
we share the same pain,
like hundreds of mermaids
cursed to feel the
bitterness of mortals.
we had all waited
for the tide to come
and bring us
forgotten treasures.
indeed,
it had brought us
black pearls.
but weep...
hold on...
be oblivious...
for they were never ours.
and the fears that had fallen with it...
we share the same pain,
like hundreds of mermaids
cursed to feel the
bitterness of mortals.
we had all waited
for the tide to come
and bring us
forgotten treasures.
indeed,
it had brought us
black pearls.
but weep...
hold on...
be oblivious...
for they were never ours.
playback
i never wanted to write of
hate, anger, lost hopes
and broken dreams.
but being one with
their so-called "living souls"
had given my hand
to faceless strangers,
both welcomed and not.
the thousands of merry-makers
hiding their skins
in black satin cloths
as they danced to the drumbeats
waiting for something
to fall from the sky.
i had joined them
at the center stage,
amused at the colored lights
touching our cold faces.
everything's far too familiar...
and only when i felt tired
did i realize,
an inch close to the heart,
i had been stabbed again.
hate, anger, lost hopes
and broken dreams.
but being one with
their so-called "living souls"
had given my hand
to faceless strangers,
both welcomed and not.
the thousands of merry-makers
hiding their skins
in black satin cloths
as they danced to the drumbeats
waiting for something
to fall from the sky.
i had joined them
at the center stage,
amused at the colored lights
touching our cold faces.
everything's far too familiar...
and only when i felt tired
did i realize,
an inch close to the heart,
i had been stabbed again.
time
i died three days ago and it was a painful death.
i had died a couple of times before but never felt like it was nearly time.
unlike now, that i feel my physical mortality would soon follow.
there goes the turning point, but it didn't go in rounds the way it use to.
it had simply gone straight and closer to the end.
but don't doubt my laughter for it was always real.
never deny my love for it wasn't something i made or chose.
my life is the same as my death...
the feelings are all bound to happen.
it was what i refused to believe... it was fate.
time was what most people cherish and yet it is my curse.
it is the element that deprived me of whats and whos.
the core of everything i can't grasp.
time was and is my failure.
i had died a couple of times before but never felt like it was nearly time.
unlike now, that i feel my physical mortality would soon follow.
there goes the turning point, but it didn't go in rounds the way it use to.
it had simply gone straight and closer to the end.
but don't doubt my laughter for it was always real.
never deny my love for it wasn't something i made or chose.
my life is the same as my death...
the feelings are all bound to happen.
it was what i refused to believe... it was fate.
time was what most people cherish and yet it is my curse.
it is the element that deprived me of whats and whos.
the core of everything i can't grasp.
time was and is my failure.
late-bloomers
can i touch you?
i wanted to feel how your life had been
and how it is right now.
be made to witness
what difference lies between
the past and the one
i am looking through the eyes
at this very moment.
had you been changed
or do you simply despise time?
but who hasn't...
million souls had wished
for immortality despite
the sweet bitterness of life.
hold still...
and let me stare at my reflection
in your eyes.
maybe, if i dwell in that
blackness
i might become you...
and understand.
no words had been enough.
or had the mind refuse
to give picture for the
fear of how much regret
the past may cause?
i spent had my life a runaway
and found you at fall,
i lived the rest of it in pain
knowing that i failed
to catch you.
and each time i look right through you,
i remember...
i had been nine years late.
i wanted to feel how your life had been
and how it is right now.
be made to witness
what difference lies between
the past and the one
i am looking through the eyes
at this very moment.
had you been changed
or do you simply despise time?
but who hasn't...
million souls had wished
for immortality despite
the sweet bitterness of life.
hold still...
and let me stare at my reflection
in your eyes.
maybe, if i dwell in that
blackness
i might become you...
and understand.
no words had been enough.
or had the mind refuse
to give picture for the
fear of how much regret
the past may cause?
i spent had my life a runaway
and found you at fall,
i lived the rest of it in pain
knowing that i failed
to catch you.
and each time i look right through you,
i remember...
i had been nine years late.
ivory tower
when the multi-colored
roulette
stopped turnin,'
i ended up in between
grey and black.
fate...
there are no perfections.
the cracked alley bricks,
the smoke-blurred street lamps,
accidentally
we cut ourselves
and only then does it feel warm.
man started losing love
even before he learns
to say it,
eyes give away
every single tear,
and some dies in this
dark-purple air we breathe.
run...
and find your hands are bare
and your pockets empty.
still, the roulette spins
weary souls tonight...
you are my last silver coin.
roulette
stopped turnin,'
i ended up in between
grey and black.
fate...
there are no perfections.
the cracked alley bricks,
the smoke-blurred street lamps,
accidentally
we cut ourselves
and only then does it feel warm.
man started losing love
even before he learns
to say it,
eyes give away
every single tear,
and some dies in this
dark-purple air we breathe.
run...
and find your hands are bare
and your pockets empty.
still, the roulette spins
weary souls tonight...
you are my last silver coin.
re: joy
there are no exact words
to answer for all the regrets.
for such has no answers
and what means does exist
to straighten other's mistakes?
it lingers like a voiceless ghost
unseen, unheard,
but responds in plain coldness,
making you feel
that it has always been there
just like the 22nd of december.
i woke up this morning
feeling the white clouds behind my eyes
hands are filled with scars
and yet i wasn't sure if if hurts
for the mind refuses to know that it does.
somehow it was saying...
"don't feel it, for those aren't yours,"
and for a minute or so,
i was lifeless.
the past, the regrets and i
had become one...
the inevitable existing dead.
to answer for all the regrets.
for such has no answers
and what means does exist
to straighten other's mistakes?
it lingers like a voiceless ghost
unseen, unheard,
but responds in plain coldness,
making you feel
that it has always been there
just like the 22nd of december.
i woke up this morning
feeling the white clouds behind my eyes
hands are filled with scars
and yet i wasn't sure if if hurts
for the mind refuses to know that it does.
somehow it was saying...
"don't feel it, for those aren't yours,"
and for a minute or so,
i was lifeless.
the past, the regrets and i
had become one...
the inevitable existing dead.
unexpected final entry
i have romanticized loving you for a long time. longer than what mortal time and space had actually given me. it is a struggle and yet i held your hand for as long as my cold fingers can endure. as long as my small heart can contain. and as unconditional as my mind can comprehend.
there is no grandeur in it but even in my most painful moments, even in my loudest screams and begging for your time and emotions, at the end of the day i embrace your imperfections and find contentment in wearing your old shirts to sleep just to feel you close to me.
i had loved you during your best and loved you more when you're at your worst. and if i could stitch life like a thread i'll do it perfectly for you.
and yet you broke my heart...
in the most shattering way there is.
in the most painful way you yourself said "i don't deserve" with the
lamest unforgivable reason.
with no guts and with your usual cowardice it took you 6 years and
9 months to unmask yourself.
i shall not wish you well.
there is no grandeur in it but even in my most painful moments, even in my loudest screams and begging for your time and emotions, at the end of the day i embrace your imperfections and find contentment in wearing your old shirts to sleep just to feel you close to me.
i had loved you during your best and loved you more when you're at your worst. and if i could stitch life like a thread i'll do it perfectly for you.
and yet you broke my heart...
in the most shattering way there is.
in the most painful way you yourself said "i don't deserve" with the
lamest unforgivable reason.
with no guts and with your usual cowardice it took you 6 years and
9 months to unmask yourself.
i shall not wish you well.
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