an altar bell

undo

2010-03-07T08:28:00.000-08:00

he loves me...
i whispered to myself
as he kisses every inch
of his wife's naked skin
that smelled of placenta.
their bodies moving in
pathetic hunger and lust
on a hot humid day in april
while i was alone,
waiting for someone
or something,
to greet me
a happy birthday.

he loves me...
i heard him say
as he strums his guitar
and brags of his music
to the crowd, to his friends
and to the girls he tried to hit on
without my knowing.
then he would set his arm
over my shoulder
keeping in his mind
that i am his,
we are happy,
and everything will last
while i fumble for my purse
and pay for what he had consumed.

he loves me...
in the peak of intoxication
in one of his sexcapades,
as he wildly touches
the long brown curls.
the dark brown skin,
the thick brown lips,
of this girl we once met
at 70's bistro while waiting
for the band to play.

he loves me...
i sadly told myself
as my memory recalls
petals of red roses
floating on the bathroom sink
and leaving my body trembling,
my soul in dreadful agony,
and hearing his words
a year after...
"it's nothing but blood."

he loves me...
while i write the very last word,
read each verse over and over
til it becomes revolting
and emotionally sickening
that i have to erase
the opening lines.

missed

2010-03-07T08:01:00.000-08:00

i had always wanted
to walk beside you.
but when the waters
had touched my feet,
i closed my eyes
and laughed so hard
and it drifted me
away.
you failed again...
like you always had.

letting go

2010-03-07T07:57:00.000-08:00

shed a tear for me,
even if in my days
i had left you shattered.
grieve for me
even if you're in doubt
that i had paid my sins enough.
spare me a moment of silence,
for i had loved and failed myself.
write the song you've written in red
and let me take it with me,
either in the dark coldness
or bitter heat.
let every line fade with me
as it did a year ago.
but when time fails
to take away my memories,
think of me when i was nineteen,
when the sky used to be dark
and stars shine in thousands.
when time finally heals you,
scatter me in the sea
where our souls were once sheltered.
confide to the air:
"ashes that once loved me
would no longer hold me back."

dip

2010-03-07T07:51:00.000-08:00

hold me tight and say you love me,
let me dream a moment and fly.
the water can't hold me too long,
neither could i last in it's cold warmth.

too ordinary

2010-03-07T07:49:00.001-08:00

i tried to impress
him last night
so i dressed in velvet
to look elegant...
or so i thought.

still,
he looked at me
like i'm in my
old jeans and chucks.

i'll never be
special like them.

of charcoals

2010-03-07T07:46:00.000-08:00

if only thoughts
were a composition
of small dark lines,
maybe i could trace the space
that grows and leaves us jaded.

if only it was that easy
to wash out greys,
or paint dotted lines
just so it won't be left dull,
white and silent.

if only i could paint,
and if only it could be painted,
i might have saved us
from this maddening blankness.

maya

2010-03-07T07:40:00.000-08:00

i had always wanted the world
to know that i could be like you
so i tried to equal the person you are
knowing i can be as strong
no matter how fragile i look
or how weak i seem in your eyes.
somehow, it was payback.
but though i had been so much like you
some things would always differ.
like the way you follow me with your eyes
when oftentimes i follow your steps.
i was born a woman
and would always be made
for these girlish tasks
as i was taught from the start.
i know i had gone tired of struggling
but i promise...
you'll cry the way i did.

unsung

2010-03-07T07:36:00.000-08:00

take me in your dreams,
like every night i try to
catch you in my sleep.
take me with you
even just for a while
so i can hold you in my arms
and kiss your soft curls.
let me run my hands on your face,
memorize every contour of it,
my sweet angel.
so that each time i close my eyes
i would find you.
hold my hand dear
and let me tell you...
you are love, life and mine.
just one single moment
to be what was taken away
by chance,
a moment to sing you
a lullaby.

eves

2010-03-07T07:24:00.000-08:00

don't show me your tears
and the fears that had fallen with it...
we share the same pain,
like hundreds of mermaids
cursed to feel the
bitterness of mortals.
we had all waited
for the tide to come
and bring us
forgotten treasures.
indeed,
it had brought us
black pearls.
but weep...
hold on...
be oblivious...
for they were never ours.

playback

2010-03-07T07:19:00.000-08:00

i never wanted to write of
hate, anger, lost hopes
and broken dreams.
but being one with
their so-called "living souls"
had given my hand
to faceless strangers,
both welcomed and not.

the thousands of merry-makers
hiding their skins
in black satin cloths
as they danced to the drumbeats
waiting for something
to fall from the sky.

i had joined them
at the center stage,
amused at the colored lights
touching our cold faces.

everything's far too familiar...
and only when i felt tired
did i realize,
an inch close to the heart,
i had been stabbed again.

time

2010-03-07T07:08:00.000-08:00

i died three days ago and it was a painful death.
i had died a couple of times before but never felt like it was nearly time.
unlike now, that i feel my physical mortality would soon follow.
there goes the turning point, but it didn't go in rounds the way it use to.
it had simply gone straight and closer to the end.
but don't doubt my laughter for it was always real.
never deny my love for it wasn't something i made or chose.
my life is the same as my death...
the feelings are all bound to happen.
it was what i refused to believe... it was fate.
time was what most people cherish and yet it is my curse.
it is the element that deprived me of whats and whos.
the core of everything i can't grasp.
time was and is my failure.

2010-03-07T07:05:00.000-08:00

my body is of a thousand persons
and my hands reveal
every details of their scars.

late-bloomers

2010-03-07T06:53:00.000-08:00

can i touch you?
i wanted to feel how your life had been
and how it is right now.
be made to witness
what difference lies between
the past and the one
i am looking through the eyes
at this very moment.

had you been changed
or do you simply despise time?
but who hasn't...
million souls had wished
for immortality despite
the sweet bitterness of life.
hold still...
and let me stare at my reflection
in your eyes.
maybe, if i dwell in that
blackness
i might become you...
and understand.

no words had been enough.
or had the mind refuse
to give picture for the
fear of how much regret
the past may cause?

i spent had my life a runaway
and found you at fall,
i lived the rest of it in pain
knowing that i failed
to catch you.
and each time i look right through you,
i remember...
i had been nine years late.

ivory tower

2010-03-07T06:42:00.000-08:00

when the multi-colored
roulette
stopped turnin,'
i ended up in between
grey and black.
fate...
there are no perfections.
the cracked alley bricks,
the smoke-blurred street lamps,
accidentally
we cut ourselves
and only then does it feel warm.
man started losing love
even before he learns
to say it,
eyes give away
every single tear,
and some dies in this
dark-purple air we breathe.
run...
and find your hands are bare
and your pockets empty.
still, the roulette spins
weary souls tonight...

you are my last silver coin.

2010-03-07T06:34:00.000-08:00

why do people think that a dark place
with small flickering lights is such a romantic sight?
isn't it sad to be reminded
that life could be one with the infinite nothingness
in just a snap of a finger?
this is how fragile life is.

re: joy

2010-03-07T05:59:00.000-08:00

there are no exact words
to answer for all the regrets.
for such has no answers
and what means does exist
to straighten other's mistakes?

it lingers like a voiceless ghost
unseen, unheard,
but responds in plain coldness,
making you feel
that it has always been there
just like the 22nd of december.

i woke up this morning
feeling the white clouds behind my eyes
hands are filled with scars
and yet i wasn't sure if if hurts
for the mind refuses to know that it does.
somehow it was saying...
"don't feel it, for those aren't yours,"
and for a minute or so,
i was lifeless.

the past, the regrets and i
had become one...
the inevitable existing dead.

unexpected final entry

2010-03-07T05:47:00.000-08:00

i have romanticized loving you for a long time. longer than what mortal time and space had actually given me. it is a struggle and yet i held your hand for as long as my cold fingers can endure. as long as my small heart can contain. and as unconditional as my mind can comprehend.

there is no grandeur in it but even in my most painful moments, even in my loudest screams and begging for your time and emotions, at the end of the day i embrace your imperfections and find contentment in wearing your old shirts to sleep just to feel you close to me.

i had loved you during your best and loved you more when you're at your worst. and if i could stitch life like a thread i'll do it perfectly for you.

and yet you broke my heart...

in the most shattering way there is.
in the most painful way you yourself said "i don't deserve" with the
lamest unforgivable reason.

with no guts and with your usual cowardice it took you 6 years and
9 months to unmask yourself.

i shall not wish you well.

when...

2009-04-14T23:29:00.000-07:00

sometimes you wanted to say something
and nothing comes out...

sometimes you look at the sky and beg
for simple wishes to happen even just once...

sometimes you wanted to stop regretting
and wish that i would learn to regret
my own mistakes...

sometimes you wanted to stop asking
why and go with the flow...

and when you do,

sometimes you just get tired of it.

and when i hold your hands and ask you to let go
you just hold on tighter and tell me
you will try to be alright as if everything was your fault.

i wish i had been brave enough to love you...

Angel

2009-02-26T18:23:00.000-08:00

"In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
In the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here."

-Angel, Sarah Mclachlan

It was an awful day and I am beat up.
Funny how things can drain you so much that
you don't just feel physically torn but also
emotionally empty.
I looked at the sky. It's dark, cloudy and not a
single star is visible. Oh, talk about luck!
It'll rain and I am alone.
When I reached home I was soaking wet.
I'll get sick for sure, I said to myself.
Literally making the common office expression
complete-- "sick and tired!"

When I opened the door there you are with
a bath towel in hand and gently placed it on
my shoulders. If I wasn't too grumpy with how
things at work turned out today I would have
said "All that's missing is for you to wear the
green uniform and yellow scarf!"
But with all the exhaustion I just placed my chin
on one of your shoulders as if asking for one big hug.
"You're like a human jello again," you laughingly said
then you motioned me to change my clothes.

When I was finished I found you slouched in the
old black couch watching those silly sad people on
the tube again. I just smiled at seeing how childish
you look when you watch.
I lay on the couch and rested my head on your lap.
You switched off the tv and scratched my shoulder.
"Bad day?" you asked.
"Without you life would be nothing but shit," I said.
You stroked my hair and kissed my head.
I closed my eyes and smiled. I am now in my comfort zone.

Sorry

2009-02-23T19:04:00.000-08:00

"I loved you even before the very moment
you saw my face. I loved you even before
you knew who I was and what we meant
to each other.
And even if this moment never came.
I'd still be in love with you from a distance
or in my deepest dreams."

I always tell myself that I don't regret anything in my life.
But it's not true. I have so much things to regret. There
are so much that I shouldn't have done before I met you.
That if so, I could have been worthy and deserving.
Being with you is the best thing that happened in my life.
I don't want to lose you. And yet, when I hold you in my arms
I ache to hold you tighter and ache even more not to do it.
For you are so fragile and I am the thorn you had chosen
to love. I had never felt such emotion in my life.
Quite scared to embrace you and hurt you. But when I did,
I am even more in fear that I had struck your heart and
pulling you away from me, will make you bleed to death.
Somehow I tell myself, I shouldn't have pulled your
attention towards me. I should have been contented with
seeing you smile from a distance. I should have stayed
in this little dark corner and confessed how I adore you to
the cold night breeze.
But now that it's too late, I won't let anyone hurt you...
not even my own self.

Summer Blooms

2009-02-19T18:02:00.000-08:00

"I am not perfect, but I'll try to make you smile each day.
I have nothing to offer, but I won't let you feel alone and incomplete.
I may not be able to buy you a ring, but I swear to love you for eternity."

"Close your eyes," I said. But before you complied you gave me that smile
that seems to say "what are you up to, huh?" And I can't blame you.
I had never been romantic, in any ways. For somehow trying to live had
consumed me. I was like the genius type and the only artistic touch I have
in my life is you. Yes, we always clash... black and white, bitter and fun.
And yet we compliment each other. As if the plus and minus are just pieces
in a puzzle that go along together. You complete me, in so many ways.

I held your hand and guided you to the garden where I had been arranging
the checkered cloth and the picnic basket for the past 15 minutes. Making
sure that I included your favorites. When you opened you're eyes, there was
the look I expected but I was hoping you'd never give me. The look of "Is this
for real?-what are you up to?" kind. So I just scratched my head and smiled
quite childishly. At least you were surprised.

We started eating. I always love watching you eat. After all these years, you
still eat like a cat. And I laughed quietly coz I adored that so.
Then we laid our backs on the picnic cloth and watched the blue summer sky.
The clouds are moving and changing shapes, too slow that you'll never notice
that they are indeed changing.
I noticed you twisting some green grass that you've just pulled while your eyes
are set on the sky. That day, I wanted to assume that you might have
love-poisoned me because everything's already perfect and yet I stood up.
Gathered some small flowers, twisted the stems and made a circle out of it.
Crazy, I thought. I had never brought you flowers for it's something that I just
never do. And yet I called your name, and placed the flowers on your head.
You smiled and held my hand. You are beautiful.

Home

2009-02-18T19:36:00.000-08:00

"Hold me tight and say you love me.
Let me dream a moment and fly.
The waters can't hold me too long.
Neither could I last in its cold warmth."

Summer of 2005. We lay in the sand while the waves kept
struggling to touch our sun-burned feet.
The sky is slowly changing hue as if giving the signal
that it'll consume the great fireball in just a short while.
This was my first visit to the beach after a very long time.
And in fact, this was different.

Last time, I laid at the seashore and stared blankly at the stars.
Wondering why they seem so happy in that very dark place they
are in. But I guess, that's because they're unaffected by darkness
for they are the complete opposite.
As for me, I am nothing more than anything that is not from the
ocean yet floats alone in its vast world. Just something like
a trash or a plastic bag wandering where it doesn't belong.
And not a single creature wants it for it, like I am, is suffocating.

But now, it's already dark. The stars had peek out from the black sky.
I looked beside me, and there's you. Smiling. Reassuring that I will
be fine, I belong and I have somewhere to go.

Impishly Adorable You

2009-02-17T23:36:00.000-08:00

"I could think of a hundred things I hate about you.
But not a single reason why I love you...
And that makes you someone who's very hard to let go."

Yesterday, you were late again.
No matter how early you try to get to our
meeting place I always end up waiting for you.
You must have been window shopping again.
Whew, that's why I don't like meeting at malls coz
it makes you wander and I end up getting bored
waiting.
Finally you showed up, when my face was getting
gloomy and I could hardly smile anymore. And
yet I tried to in order to say "I'm happy to see you."
Then you clung to my arm and said,
"Look, I bought you some doughnuts." Sweet.
I opened the wrapper to get one and there they are.
Cute sugar packed circles coated with chocolates.
One topped with peanuts, the other two coated with
coconuts. Your favorites!
As for me, I don't like it. One thing I have been telling
you during the past 6 years. And also one of the things you
always forget.
And so I ended up watching you eat your favorite
treats you bought for me.
Oh boy, I could just go on and on...

The Wake

2009-02-17T22:17:00.000-08:00

"In every day there will always be
a single second of bitterness.
Yes, the world is a mess.
Everything is imperfect.
But I'm okay with you.
And that makes each morning
quite alright."

It's almost 8:00pm, I'm boarded on the bus bound home. Nothing is interesting, this is the same
route I've been taking everyday, for the past 18 months. But one things different... it's lonelier.
Somehow there's a sadness in going home alone, especially when it's pouring outside.
That's right, the great dramatic scenes when the actors stare out at the window, watching the
sky cleanse the earth of all its misery and heartaches.
But tonight, the sky gods are doing it extra. Only the street lights were visible and yet it seems
like they're on but cannot shed light. And I could only see the street when the lightnings strike
all at the same moment. And in the past minutes, the lightning choreography had been doing
just that.
I checked my phone but there's no blinking light there to indicate that I was remembered in even
this very simple way. So I resolved in setting the mp3 player to high volume and making myself
deaf with the songs you picked for me. But it never happened. Instead, I doze off.
It was around 10:00 when I reached home. Tasted the food and hit the sack as if that's what I am
programmed to do. I reached for your pillow beside me and held it tightly as I drown
myself to sleep, hoping that this will make me feel less alone. That's when I found a note
that might have been sleeping there all the while I was at work.
"Night shift today. Sleep tight, everything's gonna be fine. I love you so much."

Prologue

2009-02-17T19:18:00.000-08:00

"I am not sure how long it will be, I don't know if this will last...
but if you will pass my lifetime, all I know is that I wanted to feel you."

I was nineteen and it was summer. I was full of doubts and scared and yet
I took chances. And there you are beside me, holding my hand.
For some unknown fact, the nymphs must have played with our fortune that you had to
walk me home. And so we stroll along the poorly lit road with
the sultry breeze touching our faces.
"Look at the stars," you said. And without a word, I did.
Every piece are in their right place, showing off their shimmer
so that the sky had been much darker and the stars even more glittering.
I looked at you and there you are, still holding my hand, looking at the sky...
happy, innocent, contented. I was moved by it that it had left an image in
my mind. As if my thoughts have photographed you at that very second
and kept it in my innermost soul so nothing nor no one can ever touch it.
A memory that will always remain pure and uncorrupted.
It was almost perfect, as if everything had been influenced by the stars--
complete and in the right place.
And in that very moment, I knew... this is right
and you are the one.